Restless wandering, looking around but not seeing anything. Questions in my head as I try to sleep. Vague fears of what might or might not happen. Disquiet. A sense of loss. A strong urge to go back into a shell and never ever have to come out again.....

No escape

There is no running away. Whatever the trouble, however sharp the pain, there is nothing to do except go through it. Trying to distract the mind does not work for too long. Denial feels like a good way out...till reality comes back to hit you with twice the force. So really, there is nothing to do but endure. And keep reminding yourself that just like the good times, the bad times cannot last forever either. Avoid self-pity and just suck it up. Keep going. Whatever happens, just keep going....

Some days....everything seems too much. It takes a huge effort to just get out of bed and face the day. To get through work and deliver what is expected when all you want to really do is lock yourself up inside your room and not have to talk to anybody.....

Why is it that the deeper the emotion, the harder it is to put into words? So much to say, and no way to express any of it.....Why is it that the things you wish to forget are the ones you just cannot get out of your head...Why is it that just when you think maybe you have figured things out, something comes up out of the blue and shatters that illusion, leaving you vulnerable again...What do you do when the words you utter seem to make no sense to others... and when your unanswered questions refuse to go away and leave you in peace...

One step forward, two steps back......slip and slide....all it takes is one call, one email. And we go back to square one. 

Went out today for the first time since.....Meeting an old school friend should be good right...Almost chickened out at the last moment but somehow managed to push myself to go....Didn't help that we ended up going to the same place that used to be such a regular haunt of ours. Found myself looking around for you. Wanting to see you. Dreading to see you with another....
They say it will get better with time. I don't know. At this moment, I just cannot see that point in time. The questions in my mind remain unanswered.

New shoes. New clothes. New haircut. What now??

I underwent a root canal treatment on a wisdom tooth...four super-painful sessions...and then the dentist found that the tooth is so crooked that the RCT cannot be successfully completed. Damn, I wish she'd realised this four weeks ago...So anyway, this evening I somehow managed to screw up my courage and got the extraction done. And now, the pain.....Oh man the pain....

I can't get over the irony of it. Even as I was writing my last post (Safe so far??? How's that for a joke??) the terror attack on Mumbai had begun. I don't think I grasped the magnitude of it till the following morning when I realised all the details. Those 60 odd hours were probably the worst in most of our lives, even if one of our own friends or family members wasn't trapped out there. This was a first. This was an unprecedented, unimaginable attack that brought a city to its knees and glued us to our television sets for the duration of the siege. Over 180 dead, more than 240 wounded. The "Jihadis" and their senseless violence put an end to hundreds of dreams, destroyed countless families and left the entire nation feeling insecure, impotent and angry.

We watched the images on TV, read the reports on the net, and shed tears for all those unknown innocent persons caught in the tragedy. We lit candles and observed a one-minute silence in their memory. We prayed for them. Beyond that, most of us don't know what to do. And this helplessness is combined with an impotent rage that grows stronger ever day. Rage at the terrorists. At our lax security arrangements. Above all, rage against the politicians - for their crass and indecent remarks, their efforts to use even this gigantic tragedy for political one-upmanship, their complete lack of sensitivity. How I wish these people were at the Oberoi that night instead.

The PM gave an unbelievably cold speech full of "we will" and "we shall" and a lot of the usual waffling. Dr Singh, this was a time when you could have redeemed yourself. And you as usual muffed it. The Opposition leaders imply that the entire tragedy wouldn't have happened, had they been in power. Yeah, right. And the Marathi manoos who was hiding inside his house while Mumbai was in uproar, would have us believe that those who died were all Marathis and only his MNS was involved in rescue ops. Silly me, I never realised that the Marcos and NSG teams were all Maharashtrians. I'm sure, before pulling people out of the burning Taj, the firemen ensured that only Marathis were brought out first, right? Oh grow up Mr Thakre!!

In our country precious financial resources are used to fund ministerial jaunts, organise Commonwealth Games shows involving Bollywood celebrities, buy imported cars and expensive planes for politicos, anything and everything. But crucial areas like coastal security are not given any importance. Commando units set up for anti-terror ops are diverted to provide VIP security to those egotistical idiots who pass for "leaders" these days. MP's get bungalows and cars and laptops and regular pay-raises. Soliders and cops get paid peanuts, get only very basic amenities, often are cut off from their families for long intervals...Our government has funds for any silly activity you can think of, but not to give its police forces some much-needed training and proper equipment. They are sent in to fight these new hi-tech militants with just their lathis and sometimes an ancient 303.

So what have we learned from the last few days? Something we all knew already - terrorism has mutated into newer, more frightening forms and we as a country are not yet fully equipped to fight it. If our politicians and bureaucrats did their jobs, and let the police and the forces do theirs without interference, we might be able to get there. Maybe. And until then, how many more 26/11's do we have to face? I don't even want to answer that.

Afterwards...

It's been almost a month since the serial blasts. In the days since then I've seen my own office building getting sealed and searched for a bomb post a hoax call, and I've heard countless grisly jokes about Saturday deaths. There have been other blasts since then, with the attendant slew of phone calls to/from family and friends to check on each other...And now it's become second nature for people to check their surroundings when they enter a shopping centre or board a bus or train. In a city of millions, locating a security loophole and planting another bomb somewhere is still easy for the terrorist set on creating mayhem. People realise this and fear for their loved ones. I've heard a friend tell a family member, "Don't go shoppin today, it's a Saturday".

It's a Saturday today and I was in Sarojini Nagar market. It was crowded, but not by a long shot as busy as it used to be on weekends some weeks ago. There are cops around, they've put up barriers to regulate traffic, they even have those walk-thru metal detectors that I'm not sure are very effective - at least, they do go ping all the time, but nobody seems to pay any attention.
It was hard to believe I was standing in SN Market on a weekend in the festive season. I'm not very comfortable with crowded places but I actually found myself missing the crowd today.

And terror struck again

Another terrorist attack. Another series of bomb blasts, all in crowded marketplaces in rush hour on a Saturday evening. 30 dead so far, at least 90 hurt. Ordinary citizens going about their lives. People shopping on the weekend. Couples enjoying the weather in Central Park. If the "Indian Mujahideen" are to be believed, hurting these people is an act of retribution for unnamed sins. What a load of crap. No religion on this earth sanctions such mindless violence against innocent human beings. What bloody sins are you talking of any way? The guys who died so tragically today had probably never even heard of you!!

One of the blasts happened right outside the building i work in. The fact that it was a Saturday and I didn't go to office means nothing. Every time I go to office now, I'll probably be wondering - where next. Every time I step into a Metro train, or enter a crowded market, or visit a film theate, I'll be asking myself the same question - will this be it?? I know my parents are going to worry each time I'm out. I'll have to sms Mom each night after returning home from work, just so she knows I'm still around. Each time a festival or any significant date like 26th Jan comes around, my parents will call and ask me to avoid visiting any markets.

This is how they affect our lives. By restricting our movements, limiting our possibilities, trying to control our lives by instilling fear. Scaring us and those who love us. I realise that I really can't do much about it. And that makes me seethe with impotent, helpless rage.

The opposition is busy trying to use this as an opportunity for electoral canvassing. Others are talking of conspiracies, visiting the hospitals after ensuring there's a media presence....But who takes responsibility for the recurrent intelligence failures and shameful lapses in security? Nobody. Who takes care of those who have lost loved ones today? Nobody. Who answers to those who died today? Nobody. There'll be the usual probes and so the circus will go on..

I'm angry today. I want to do something about it, only I'm not sure what I can do. The idea of living in constant watchfulness is abhorrent. Yet, that's probably what I will do. Come Monday, I'll be back in CP in my office near the blast site. Going about life as usual. Wondering where the next one will come. Fearing for the lives that are dear to me.....and still angry inside.

It's been over a two months since I injured my foot. Again. After the "lower level" doc and the weeks of physiotherapy didn't work, I finally went to a specialist. I wish I'd gone earlier, but then that's what I always do - procrastinate, do anything to avoid a hospital visit.
Anyway, he put my leg in a cast for "a minimum of 4 weeks". Damn!!! It's been just 2 weeks so far and it's driving me crazy. Can't go anywhere, can't walk without feeling so terribly clumsy :-(
And then there is the pain....And the well-meaning questions from everyone at work. Yeah, of course I'm okay, do I look okay to you?? You don't really want to know, do you? How the pain in the leg and the one in the back somehow gang up and make life difficult? So I smile and say the usual trite stuff.
Have to take time off from work if I have to really get better. It's a new job, I haven't even been confirmed yet...But I'm doing it anyway. Sending in a formal application and hoping they'll allow me to work from home.