Talking to myself

The gift of the gab. You either have it, or you don't. If (like me) you don't have it, you (like me) can't stop wishing you did. Every time you're in a conversation with someone and are left with nothing to say. Every time you think of a brilliant observation to make - hours after the opportunity is past. Each time someone with a quicksilver tongue manages to get attention in a way you can only dream of. Each time you are left feeling a little foolish and a little dull, and come back home to talk to your blog...

I underwent a root canal treatment on a wisdom tooth...four super-painful sessions...and then the dentist found that the tooth is so crooked that the RCT cannot be successfully completed. Damn, I wish she'd realised this four weeks ago...So anyway, this evening I somehow managed to screw up my courage and got the extraction done. And now, the pain.....Oh man the pain....

I'd begun a post tonight intending to rant about my problems: work and life and everything else in between. Then, as I was maybe half-way thru it, I found myself talking to S. She seemed to be a little off today so I asked...and then it all came out..a horror of a story which I will not mention here coz it would be a betrayal of a confidence...But I was astounded to hear of the things she's gone through in her very young life. I'm now looking at her with very new eyes and with a lot more respect.
After that conversation I find myself amazed that I have been messing my head over trivial things like workplace politics, weight gain, and other such incidentals.
So, no more rants. I'm going to log off, put on my Kermit-the-Frog woollen socks, go to bed and hopefully have pleasant dreams. Tomorrow will take care of itself.

I can't get over the irony of it. Even as I was writing my last post (Safe so far??? How's that for a joke??) the terror attack on Mumbai had begun. I don't think I grasped the magnitude of it till the following morning when I realised all the details. Those 60 odd hours were probably the worst in most of our lives, even if one of our own friends or family members wasn't trapped out there. This was a first. This was an unprecedented, unimaginable attack that brought a city to its knees and glued us to our television sets for the duration of the siege. Over 180 dead, more than 240 wounded. The "Jihadis" and their senseless violence put an end to hundreds of dreams, destroyed countless families and left the entire nation feeling insecure, impotent and angry.

We watched the images on TV, read the reports on the net, and shed tears for all those unknown innocent persons caught in the tragedy. We lit candles and observed a one-minute silence in their memory. We prayed for them. Beyond that, most of us don't know what to do. And this helplessness is combined with an impotent rage that grows stronger ever day. Rage at the terrorists. At our lax security arrangements. Above all, rage against the politicians - for their crass and indecent remarks, their efforts to use even this gigantic tragedy for political one-upmanship, their complete lack of sensitivity. How I wish these people were at the Oberoi that night instead.

The PM gave an unbelievably cold speech full of "we will" and "we shall" and a lot of the usual waffling. Dr Singh, this was a time when you could have redeemed yourself. And you as usual muffed it. The Opposition leaders imply that the entire tragedy wouldn't have happened, had they been in power. Yeah, right. And the Marathi manoos who was hiding inside his house while Mumbai was in uproar, would have us believe that those who died were all Marathis and only his MNS was involved in rescue ops. Silly me, I never realised that the Marcos and NSG teams were all Maharashtrians. I'm sure, before pulling people out of the burning Taj, the firemen ensured that only Marathis were brought out first, right? Oh grow up Mr Thakre!!

In our country precious financial resources are used to fund ministerial jaunts, organise Commonwealth Games shows involving Bollywood celebrities, buy imported cars and expensive planes for politicos, anything and everything. But crucial areas like coastal security are not given any importance. Commando units set up for anti-terror ops are diverted to provide VIP security to those egotistical idiots who pass for "leaders" these days. MP's get bungalows and cars and laptops and regular pay-raises. Soliders and cops get paid peanuts, get only very basic amenities, often are cut off from their families for long intervals...Our government has funds for any silly activity you can think of, but not to give its police forces some much-needed training and proper equipment. They are sent in to fight these new hi-tech militants with just their lathis and sometimes an ancient 303.

So what have we learned from the last few days? Something we all knew already - terrorism has mutated into newer, more frightening forms and we as a country are not yet fully equipped to fight it. If our politicians and bureaucrats did their jobs, and let the police and the forces do theirs without interference, we might be able to get there. Maybe. And until then, how many more 26/11's do we have to face? I don't even want to answer that.

Safe so far

The travel industry in India is going through a kind of phase never seen before. Nothing has hit us so badly since 9/11...and this downturn is by far worse than that one. Bookings are down, scores of cancellations have come in from every market, programs are being re-priced at wafer-thin margins or even nett cost, just to bring in some numbers. The world changed this year, and may never be the same again. I know scores of people who lost their jobs in this industry, and rumours of pay-cuts and downsizing have been flying around for some time now.
So when the boss announced that for the moment there are no job or pay cuts happening, everybody heaved a sigh of relief. Safe for now.

To the moon and back...

They've finally done it. Mr Nair and his talented bunch of unassuming men (and women) have fulfilled their promise of landing the Indian tricolour on the Moon with the the first unmanned Lunar mission - the Chandrayaan 1. An entire nation had been following its journey to the moon with their hearts in their mouths and a prayer on their lips. With the success of this mission, India enters an elite club of a handful of nations and hopefully will be able to send a manned mission within the next 10 years.

At a time when the economic downturn and slowdown in growth is affecting so many of us for the worse, the Chandrayaan success also acts as a much-needed ray of hope, a major confidence-booster in our abilities and our future.

Afterwards...

It's been almost a month since the serial blasts. In the days since then I've seen my own office building getting sealed and searched for a bomb post a hoax call, and I've heard countless grisly jokes about Saturday deaths. There have been other blasts since then, with the attendant slew of phone calls to/from family and friends to check on each other...And now it's become second nature for people to check their surroundings when they enter a shopping centre or board a bus or train. In a city of millions, locating a security loophole and planting another bomb somewhere is still easy for the terrorist set on creating mayhem. People realise this and fear for their loved ones. I've heard a friend tell a family member, "Don't go shoppin today, it's a Saturday".

It's a Saturday today and I was in Sarojini Nagar market. It was crowded, but not by a long shot as busy as it used to be on weekends some weeks ago. There are cops around, they've put up barriers to regulate traffic, they even have those walk-thru metal detectors that I'm not sure are very effective - at least, they do go ping all the time, but nobody seems to pay any attention.
It was hard to believe I was standing in SN Market on a weekend in the festive season. I'm not very comfortable with crowded places but I actually found myself missing the crowd today.

And terror struck again

Another terrorist attack. Another series of bomb blasts, all in crowded marketplaces in rush hour on a Saturday evening. 30 dead so far, at least 90 hurt. Ordinary citizens going about their lives. People shopping on the weekend. Couples enjoying the weather in Central Park. If the "Indian Mujahideen" are to be believed, hurting these people is an act of retribution for unnamed sins. What a load of crap. No religion on this earth sanctions such mindless violence against innocent human beings. What bloody sins are you talking of any way? The guys who died so tragically today had probably never even heard of you!!

One of the blasts happened right outside the building i work in. The fact that it was a Saturday and I didn't go to office means nothing. Every time I go to office now, I'll probably be wondering - where next. Every time I step into a Metro train, or enter a crowded market, or visit a film theate, I'll be asking myself the same question - will this be it?? I know my parents are going to worry each time I'm out. I'll have to sms Mom each night after returning home from work, just so she knows I'm still around. Each time a festival or any significant date like 26th Jan comes around, my parents will call and ask me to avoid visiting any markets.

This is how they affect our lives. By restricting our movements, limiting our possibilities, trying to control our lives by instilling fear. Scaring us and those who love us. I realise that I really can't do much about it. And that makes me seethe with impotent, helpless rage.

The opposition is busy trying to use this as an opportunity for electoral canvassing. Others are talking of conspiracies, visiting the hospitals after ensuring there's a media presence....But who takes responsibility for the recurrent intelligence failures and shameful lapses in security? Nobody. Who takes care of those who have lost loved ones today? Nobody. Who answers to those who died today? Nobody. There'll be the usual probes and so the circus will go on..

I'm angry today. I want to do something about it, only I'm not sure what I can do. The idea of living in constant watchfulness is abhorrent. Yet, that's probably what I will do. Come Monday, I'll be back in CP in my office near the blast site. Going about life as usual. Wondering where the next one will come. Fearing for the lives that are dear to me.....and still angry inside.

I moved house. Shifted to a two-bedroom flat and got myself a brand-new flatmate. Things look good. We have similar tastes and opinions, luckily. After the long phase of living alone, it's nice having someone to talk to and share things with. Of course it's a trade-off since privacy gets compromised...especially for a person like me that can be difficult.
But my room is huge, and the rent burden is much less now naturally. It's a third-floor walk-up so that took some getting used to...Lazy bum that I am!
Overall I'd say a good move.

Upon us all a little rain must fall

Today was definitely the "rainiest" day of this year. And I naturally had to be caught in the downpour, without an umbrella, at 8 o'clock at night. Couldn't see where I was going coz of the dark, and couldn't hurry coz of the injured foot. After a point it ceased to matter how wet I got. A perfect example of how everything is relative...The first autorickshaw I hopped into, simply died and refused to start. I think I was lucky to find another in the pouring rain. But I did, and managed to get home all soaked and shivering, my clothes sopping wet and my hair hanging down my back like so many rats' tails..Damn and I'd shampooed it today!

Right now I'm in that post-soaking phase where you're happy to be dry and warm again, and a little tired and sleepy from the whole adventure. There's a cup of tea in front of me, Dido's playing in the background, and I'm feeling...hmmm...mellow. Yeah, that's what I am right now. Mellow :-)

In search of some answers..

On a random surf-session, came across this post by Meetu
It's pretty much what I've found myself agonising over for some time now. How do you know when a guy is "the guy"?
So ok, you've been talking and things seem nice. Or better than nice, whatever. But seriously, how do you judge degrees of "niceness"?? Are there some standard questions with right and wrong answers that you can throw at him? Is it enough to have some shared interests and a basic understanding of what the other person is talking about? What about chemistry? How much importance should I attach to it? It's a deal-breaker as far as I'm concerned, the absence of chemistry I mean. Am I wrong? Are my priorities getting mixed up? Hell, what the heck are my priorities anyway? Aarghh.
I used to have a list of "desirable traits" that I felt I'd want my life-partner to have. As I got older and wiser the list changed, got shorter, some stuff got deleted and other stuff got tacked on. But you really cant go around measuring people against lists, it just doesnt work. So we come back to the question, how do we judge? If it were a question of simply finding a nice guy, I'd be married by now. But dammit, you can't marry a guy just coz he's nice!!!
I know this isnt something someone else can decide for me, but I sure wish I knew how to go about it. I've been so scared of taking a potential life-wrecking decision, that I've used every excuse imaginable to avoid reaching that stage where a decision was actually required. But now I'm at a point where sooner or later I will have to say yes or no...And I want to be sure that my decision to marry a particular guy was for the right reasons, whatever they are.
I'm wishing and praying for some guidance here...

Just wonderin...

I broke away, thinking now I'd be free.
I moved away, saying I wanted my own life.
I told them I wanted to stop dreaming and oh, please, just start LIVING.
So I'm alone now, and free. But am I really living???

Hail the Dark Knight

When I saw Batman Begins some time back, I had an idea that Christian Bale was really a better Batman than any of his predecessors. The Dark Knight underscores that fact. Christian Bale is, simply, the Batman. The man says more with his intense eyes and brooding looks than poor George Clooney could ever dream of saying in the entire movie (now that was a classic misfit!)

But the movie isn't just Bale alone. In fact, he really isn't the main protagonist here. That position clearly belongs to Heath Ledger - the best "Joker" ever - in one of the most memorable roles of his life. The background score was intense, the action was better than expected, Michael Caine and Morgan Freeman good as always, Aaron Eckhart all hope and optimism, which made the transformation that much more tragic..He'll be back in the next one, of course. It was a long movie, but kept me engrossed till the end. Definitely the best Batman movie ever.

The movie made a point on the true definition of heroism and courage. How it sometimes means not being a hero, and taking flak and ridicule in the broader interests of the job to be done. To be not what is wanted, but what is needed.

Mr Christopher Nolan, take a bow.

Back on my feet

The cast has finally been removed and I have my foot back. It's still swollen and I'm limping a little, hope to reduce that with exercise and rehab. Going to start physiotherapy on Tuesday, and hope for the best. I want to be a 100% in time for Singapore next month.

Now that I can move around on my own, also have to start a house-hunt in right earnest. I'm supposed to leave this place by the end of August, that doesnt leave much time. I've been warned that single women face a lot of problems finding decent accommodation in Delhi, so I'm preparing myself mentally for whatever..

My latest crush

My new Ipod Nano...couldn't get the red one, but black's cool too!!

Note to self

Decide once and for all what you really want out of life.
Don't look back with regret. Look ahead with a heart full of hope.
Stop waiting for things to happen to you. Make an effort, take that first step...what have you got to lose anyway?
Getting inspired by others is good. Finding inspiration within yourself is even better.
Let no one - and I mean NO ONE - decide what's good for you.
You'll probably trip up along the way, fall, get hurt.That's par for the course. Don't let the fear of failure stop you...or someday you'll hate yourself for it.

I've been away from office for almost 2 weeks now. Strange how a little bit of distance can change perspectives.From living to work, I now wish to work to live.
I want to regain my health, find that elusive work-life balance, spend time on hobbies..everything except work 13-14 hour days.

The biggest discovery I made: whether you're there or not, the work gets done. So much for the idea of indispensability...Is this really what I was basing my entire sense of self on??

Take the Quiz here!

It's been over a two months since I injured my foot. Again. After the "lower level" doc and the weeks of physiotherapy didn't work, I finally went to a specialist. I wish I'd gone earlier, but then that's what I always do - procrastinate, do anything to avoid a hospital visit.
Anyway, he put my leg in a cast for "a minimum of 4 weeks". Damn!!! It's been just 2 weeks so far and it's driving me crazy. Can't go anywhere, can't walk without feeling so terribly clumsy :-(
And then there is the pain....And the well-meaning questions from everyone at work. Yeah, of course I'm okay, do I look okay to you?? You don't really want to know, do you? How the pain in the leg and the one in the back somehow gang up and make life difficult? So I smile and say the usual trite stuff.
Have to take time off from work if I have to really get better. It's a new job, I haven't even been confirmed yet...But I'm doing it anyway. Sending in a formal application and hoping they'll allow me to work from home.

A nice lazy weekend after a long time. No big hectic plans apart from meeting a friend for coffee later in the afternoon. Maybe some grocery shopping and later a movie on the rarely-used dvd player...Then there's the P.G.Wodehouse from the library to finish..At some point of time today I need to get thru my list of chores, but for now I'm just happy listening to Dido and working out the Sudoku puzzle. Oh the joys of single life :-)

New beginnings

A clean slate. A fresh start. A new blog. A hope that this time I will actually manage to post regularly. I wish me good luck :-)