Checked out Google Books today. They have a host of free books one can read either through a mobile app or on a laptop/desktop. I'd been reading references to "The Importance of Being Ernest" in the current book I'm reading, so when I chanced upon the play script I decided to check it out. I can't believe I've never read a complete Oscar Wilde play before. It was really interesting, and funny. I really must find some more works by Wilde to add to my reading list.

Epiphany

I counted my blessings today; and realised that I am richer than I ever thought I could be.
I also realised that just because something doesn't come to you in the form you had envisioned, doesn't mean that the form in which it does come to you, isn't just as good or perhaps even better.

Questions....

I sometimes resort to using lyrics of songs when I am unable to find enough words to express feelings. The last few days, snatches of this song have been running through my mind:
After my dreaming, I woke with this fear
What am I leaving when I'm done here.....

As I grow older (not sure about wiser) I am increasingly bothered by this question. What difference have I made? What is my contribution to life, to this world, to people close to me? It is said that there is a purpose to everything that happens. So then, what is the purpose of my life?

Initially these questions nagged but I would just ignore them, shove it all to the back of the mind and get on with the day to day nitty gritties of living. But it doesn't seem possible or even right any more. I need to answer them. If I am unable to, then I need to look and think till I can find the answers. I need to find my purpose.

Thought for the day

Sometimes the very things you want are also the things you fear the most.

Restless wandering, looking around but not seeing anything. Questions in my head as I try to sleep. Vague fears of what might or might not happen. Disquiet. A sense of loss. A strong urge to go back into a shell and never ever have to come out again.....

Did it again, didn't I? Got caught up in the business of life and forgot to - or just neglected to - take out time for this blog. Have not posted anything at all in this new year so far. I've been so busy travelling for work, and working, and doing all kinds of other random stuff, that the smaller but equally important stuff seems to have slipped between the cracks....

Coming soon. Change.

Note to self

Saw this somewhere and realised these are some of the things I need to remind myself of every day...till they become a habit...

1. Free yourself from negative people
2. Let go of those who are already gone
3. Give people you don't know a fair chance
4. Show everyone kindness and respect
5. Accept people just the way they are
6. Encourage others and cheer for them
7. Be your imperfectly perfect self
8. Forgive people and move forward
9. Do little things everyday for others
10. Always be loyal
11. Stay in better touch with people who matter
12. Keep your promises
13. Give what you want to receive
14. Say what you mean and mean what you say
15. Allow others to make their own decisions
16. Talk a little less; listen more
17. Leave petty arguments alone
18. Pay attention to your relationship with yourself.
19. Pay attention to who your real friends are
20. Ignore unconstructive, hurtful commentary

Ready to say bye to 2012

2012 has been an unforgettable year. For so many reasons, some good and some not so good. The last twelve months have been a roller-coaster. Faith has been broken, tears have been cried.....lessons have been learned...memories have been made...trips have been taken, small pleasures enjoyed....fears have been faced...

As the year draws to a close, I am making a promise to myself. The negativity of this year, stays behind in this year. It will not go into the new year with me. There is a whole life to be lived ahead, and I plan to give it my best shot.

No escape

There is no running away. Whatever the trouble, however sharp the pain, there is nothing to do except go through it. Trying to distract the mind does not work for too long. Denial feels like a good way out...till reality comes back to hit you with twice the force. So really, there is nothing to do but endure. And keep reminding yourself that just like the good times, the bad times cannot last forever either. Avoid self-pity and just suck it up. Keep going. Whatever happens, just keep going....

Some days....everything seems too much. It takes a huge effort to just get out of bed and face the day. To get through work and deliver what is expected when all you want to really do is lock yourself up inside your room and not have to talk to anybody.....

Some things are better left unsaid. Or so it seems. Maybe.

Endings...

The last few days have been super hectic. There was a lot happening at work; I was trying to finish reading the Odyssey for my mythology course; there were those Diwali gift boxes that I had pledged which I now needed to put together....in short I didn't know whether I was coming or going. To add to that, I have come down with a throat infection and fever and general exhaustion.

Tomorrow is my last day at TC. I joined them nearly 5 years ago and it has been an interesting stint. The last week has been full of deadlines and last minute stuff...spent today doing handovers...another round of handover tomorrow...and then time for goodbyes. Change is scary. Change is good.

Why is it that the deeper the emotion, the harder it is to put into words? So much to say, and no way to express any of it.....Why is it that the things you wish to forget are the ones you just cannot get out of your head...Why is it that just when you think maybe you have figured things out, something comes up out of the blue and shatters that illusion, leaving you vulnerable again...What do you do when the words you utter seem to make no sense to others... and when your unanswered questions refuse to go away and leave you in peace...

An old post revisited

I used to have a blog on rediff many years ago. This is something I posted on the blog on Independence Day nine years back. I had meant to share it here around 15th August this year but life got in the way. Anyway, this is what I wrote, in its unedited entirety. Some of it applies even today.


Well, how can I not mention it...Our Independence Day...It got me thinking.....what does it mean to me? When I was very young, it was simple - it meant a holiday. We'd go to school only for the flag-unfurling ceremony, sing the National Anthem, manage to squirm through a long and boring speech by a local dignitary, eat the sweets being distributed, and the rest of the day would be free. To spend playing with friends, or curl up with a book, or go watch a movie with the family. Soon I realised that there was more to it. It was the anniversary of the day our country had attained freedom from foreign rule after a long, hard struggle. It was a day to remember and thank all those countless known and unknown men and women who had made a million different kinds of sacrifices for this goal. Who had "given their tomorrows for our today".

Of course, soon I also learned about the horrors of the other event associated forever with our independence day....the partition. My dad's entire family was displaced in the event. My grandmother used to tell me about her own experiences, or those of people she knew, and I would listen fascinated. I found it hard to take. For a while in my preteens, Independence Day acquired two very different sides to it....However, I managed to come through it without lasting damage ( I think !!).

I'm a patriot through and through. And it's not just because I'm an Army man's daughter. Hearing the National anthem being played gives me goosebumps and leaves me misty-eyed. I can't explain how hurt I felt when I attended a show of this movie where the Anthem was played, and I was among only a dozen odd people standing....the others remained seated....how can people do this to their own National Anthem?? Why feel ashamed to pay respect to your country? Have you ever seen children, the way they sing the Anthem with all their hearts and at the top of their voices? What changes as people grow older? Why can't adults do the same? I feel very strongly about this and I'm sure I'm not alone.

Yes, I feel strongly about my country, the Anthem, the flag. I feel proud to know that we're one of the world's most ancient cultures, I take pride in telling people about the degree of advancement and sophistication achieved by our ancient civilisations. I feel great when an Indian gets talked about for achievements in any field - be it academics, research, writing, arts, films, sports, business, anything. And yes, I'm the type to paint my face with the tricolour and take a flag and go cheer the Indian team when they're playing ( and it need not be only cricket).

But being patriotic is much more than that. It means not just talking about your country's past achievements but also doing your bit for its present. It means caring where your country is going, and trying to make a difference. It means not just pointing out its faults ( I know there are a lot of those) but having the guts to try and do something about it for a change. It means not hiding behind excuses ( "Nothing can be done for this country", "One person can't change anything" etc etc) and instead, to have the courage to stand up and be counted. And not to let the pessimists, the hecklers, the anarchists, stop you.

To those of you who regularly lament, "It's the system that's rotten!!" I ask this: what is the system? Is it not something created by us? Who propagates it and strengthens it day by day? We do. If we are capable of this, we are also capable of changing it.

Begin with the small things. Don't give or take bribes. It's become a habit , I know. Don't let anyone turn a sacred relationship like marriage into a commercial transaction, by giving or asking for dowry. Instead of expecting the government to do everything, take the initiative and do something on your own for a change. Don't litter - learn the use of dustbins. Even if it means walking a couple of extra yards in the market in search of one. Start practising water-conservation techniques - I do it and believe me it's worth it. Stop running down your country at every opportunity. Make friends with your neighbours. Give up your seat on the bus/train to the aged lady you see standing ahead. Teach your kids the importance of being honest, being polite even to strangers, protecting our environment, conserving our resources - and let it be through example.

Yes, life is hard. Yes, it's tough enough to just get through the daily struggle for existence. But don't let all that kill our spirit, our optimism, our sense of humour, our humanity....

I'm putting into words today, something I've felt very strongly about for a long time, as my long-suffering friends will tell you :) This is not an intention to sermonise....

The countdown starts...

Some of my colleagues who won't be around next week decided to give me an impromptu farewell party last night. An unexpected and very touching gesture, complete with a beautiful gift - a Ganesh statue to bring me luck.

Amidst the fun and laughter and all that beer (really, a whole lot of beer), I found myself facing the first stirrings of the old bitter-sweet feeling. It's been nearly five years here; most of that time has been good and I have made some good friends.  Have learnt so much, grown so much. Moving on, although something I chose for myself, is bringing on a touch of sadness as well. I guess it's natural though. It's been quite a year already....All changes inevitably bring along a jumble of emotions and questions. Moving out of one's comfort zone, taking a leap into the unknown, can be scary. But I know I'm up for it. It's time.